Jokes

[lulek]

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

A man walks into a bar and orders 13 margaritas and the bartender looks at the man and says "hell of an order, what are you celebrating?" The man looks back at the bartender and says "I'm celebrating my first blow job." The bartender gives the guy a huge smile and replies "well why don't I give you a 14th margarita on the house?" The man smiles and and kindly turns down the bartenders offer and says "nah if 13 doesn't get the taste out I don't know what will."

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I recently came into some money. The bank was disgusted.

[ehocen]

[Lyndoag]

I was sitting on the bus the other day when an unbelievably hot Thai girl sat down next to me. With the vibrations of the bus not helping, I was thinking to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!" . . . . . but she did!

[German/Polish Hunter]

A dog meet a Chicken,
and he braks Wuw Wuw,
than the Chicken braks Wuw Wuw
The Dog looks puzzled
and the Chicken say:
"What? Foreign languages will be the Future!"

[rooobaaaan]

the only positive thing in your live was the AIDS test

[ehocen]

the only positive thing in your live was the AIDS test

that's kinda sick bro.....

[lulek]

A black man takes a girl home from a party. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & takes her purse.

[noworlater11]

A black man takes a girl home from a party. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & takes her purse.

:O Lulek!

[Showtime]

That was a good one.

[ehocen]

That was a good one.

I think it was especially for you

[lulek]

Yes, it is a racist joke but so are most of the jokes in this thread. I hope we are all wise enough here to find the black humour in it rather than insults as I didn't copy it to attack anyone.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!

[ehocen]

Yes, it is a racist joke but so are most of the jokes in this thread. I hope we are all wise enough here to find the black humour in it rather than insults as I didn't copy it to attack anyone.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!

Nah we know you're not aiming at anyone no worries ;)

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[trazyfilth]

I came very close to death today...
I had a wank in the cemetery.

[Gummybear]

[ehocen]

A guy gets home all beat up and his wife asks him what's up?

- "oh hun it's just been a really bad day; it started off I spilled coffee on me in the car, then my boss called and bitched me out. I was stopped at a stop light and I was looking for some paper towels in the glove box to soak up the coffee, I saw the green light out of the corner of my eye so i stepped on the gas but I didn't realize the car in front of me hadn't moved - so I rear ended him. We pulled off to the side of the road and a dwarf jumps out of the car, walks up to me and says "I'm not Happy" so I said "well which one are you then?".....that's when the fight started..."

[rzunior]

hahahahaha nice

[Sketchy]

hey I'm new here but couldn't resist.

The gynecologist who became a mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

[fivehole]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for
free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why
don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7
more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank,
watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and
barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!


---------- Post added at 03:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:44 AM ----------

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Versed]

Why do black men always have red eyes after sex?




...the mace

[nchantr3ss]

Some of these jokes made me feel terrible for laughing at but holy shit are they worth it.

[fivehole]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[onemagictrick]

One night a drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom waking up his wife. His wife sits up and sees her husband holding a sheep under his arm.
"This is the pig I've been fucking" he yells.
"You idiot", says the wife "Thats not a pig, its a sheep"
The farmer yells, "I wasn't talking to you!"

[skyrock75]

A couple go to the clinic because the wife is going to birth.
When it's done, the doctor come back and tell them "I have a good news, and a bad one... With wich one you want I begin ?"
The couple, surprise ask for the bad one in first, they are terrorized !
And then the doctor say "It's a boy, but he's ginger..."
The couple reassured ask for the good one.
The answer from the doctor is "He's dead"

-------------

Ok ! Ok ! I know that's a really nasty joke ! I'm sorry if gingers are offended :(

[ehocen]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[dryucu]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: "What are you doing here today?"Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."