Jokes

[ehocen]

Hey guys, I've searched the existing threads but I didn't find a "jokes" thread - please forgive me if it already exists, but I thought a little bit of humour in the seriousness of hunting would be welcome! I'll start:

A thief breaks into a house, goes up to the bedroom to find a sleeping couple. He walks over to the bed, ties up them up, then appears to kiss the the wife's ear - he then goes to the bathroom.
The husband leans over and tells his wife: "He's going to force himself on you; satisfy him or he will kill us. Be strong, I love you". The wife answers back: "Actually he didn't kiss my ear, he whispered that he's gay, thinks you're attractive, asked if we had any vaseline and I pointed him to the bathroom. Be strong, I love you too".


A man eating in a posh restaurant, rushes to the bathroom and accidentally goes in the wrong side. He sits down and notices 4 buttons: WW, WA, PP & ATR. Curious he presses the WW button and gets his ass gently sprayed with warm water; he then prsses WA and a blast of warm air dries him. He then prsses PP and gets a powder puffwhich leaves him smelling nice and fresh; now nicely pampered, he presses ATR: he wakes up in hospital and asks the nurse what happened. She says "ATR means automatic tampon remover", your dick is under the pillow!

[Masterchat]

What do you call a black pilot?
--A pilot, you racist!


What's the goal of Jewish Football?
--To get the quarter back!

[komo2]

Im not into working out. my philosophy : no pain . no pain :p

[sg321]

What does a pregnant hoe and burnt toast have in common?
.
.
.
.
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In both cases you wish you pulled it out a second earlier!

[Ellessjay]

nice thread xD

[Masterchat]

A black man with a beautiful exotic white bird on his shoulder walk into the bar. Upon approaching the bartender for drinks, the bartender noticed the beautiful beast and asked: "Wow! Where'd you get it?"

The bird croaked back, "A-F-R-I-C-A!"

[RetroXi]

Jokes? This place after GoGether left :/ (uh ohhh >:)...j/k!)

[Ellessjay]

Jokes? This place after GoGether left :/ (uh ohhh >:)...j/k!)

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.... i see what you did here :D

[RetroXi]

uh oh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keTp-...eature=related

i feel so evil

[ehocen]

What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying!

What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now

[simplyhot]

hmm... i ask myself how a Catholic Church dating website would look like.
First question: On a scale from 1 - 10 how old are u?

[ehocen]

hmm... i ask myself how a Catholic Church dating website would look like.
First question: On a scale from 1 - 10 how old are u?

hahaha!! Another one along the same theme: What do Catholic Priests and Mc Donalds have in common? They both like stuffing meat in 10 year old buns

[ehocen]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

[azzkikr]

pretty funny thread, heh

[BellaLove]

Why do Jewish men enjoy watching prostitute porn backwards?
...
...
...
...
...
Because they like watching the Prostitute give the money back.

[Klempo]

Bella !


Why are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[Warpfrenzy]

Great thread.

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then"

[ehocen]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, ! she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy" She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because! I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes , it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[komo2]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, ! she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy" She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because! I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes , it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

lol !!! nice one got more boobs jokes? :p

[Zinia32]

You said very good!Thanks,I will remember!

[ehocen]

So Mr. Mujibar has applied to become an American citizen after many years of endless paperwork. He receives a letter stating that he is to go to the listed address for his final meeting with the Immigration Officer. He shows up, early just to be sure, and after waiting for about 30 minutes in which time he gets very stressed out, he is shown into a windowless room. There an immigration officer says "ok Mr. Mujibar, this is your final test; you have completed all the required paperwork and you only have this little question to answer and you'll be good to go". Mr Mujibar says "ok sir, go ahead". The officer says "I want you to use these three words in a sentence and it needs to make sense; the words are green, pink and yellow.....I'll give you as much time as you need". Mr mujibar thinks for a couple of seconds and says "ok, I'm ready"; amazed the officer tells him to go ahead:

(with a heavy Indian accent) "The phone it go green, green, green so I pink it up and say yellow, this is Mr Mujibar, how can I help you?".

Mr Mujibar now works at your HP help center

[Densen]

[BellaLove]

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick- "How you doin?"


Bob- "Fine. Hey do me a favor, go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are freezing."


Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 19 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.


He says- your brother sent me up to have sex with both of you.


They say "prove it"


Mick shouts downstairs "Bob.., both of them?"


Bob shouts back "of course!! Whats the point of fucking one!?"

[ehocen]

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

[Showtime]

Got this one from an old white dude on CR.


Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.


"How come?," his nephew asked.


"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.


"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents.".